[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Duck typos.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day