“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Introverted vegans go meetless
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me trying to “trust the process”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it