It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Ladies, why y’all do this?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?