Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
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Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
mariah carrie
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Come back with a warrant
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Well, this is awkward
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!