Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
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Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY