Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Botany good plants lately?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.