It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My blood type is coffee.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire