Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
You Might Also Like
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.