It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.