It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

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Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.


”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.


Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.


Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.


[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]


My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.


BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]


“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*


Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.