Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
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”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Me: *narrows eyes*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.