@frenziedandfine

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

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@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@BasicLyes

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

@3sunzzz

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

@bobvulfov

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

@iMonkGreen

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.