It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
You Might Also Like
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
This cat wants you to take your pills
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I think this cat is broken
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!