It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.