@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

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@jackiembouvier

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

@thenatewolf

Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

@Home_Halfway

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

@meghaffer

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

@idigcrazychics

Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.

@GroovyTasia

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

@OMGSoOverIt

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

@annoyingyang_

Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.

@cmd8495

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.