@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

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@sarahyehia82

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.

Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.

@thebeckyard

“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*

@faizziy

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

@DaddyJew

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

@tracietom

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

@Jake_Vig

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

@1Bad_Scientist

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

@realbjdunne

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here