if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.
“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”
*silently writes him out of my will*
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here