It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder