It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
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I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.