It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.