It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.


“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”


when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves


Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh


If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.


I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick


Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?

Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?

Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering


When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.


A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.


TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess