@kunalrao

It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.

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@mommajessiec

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

@ArfMeasures

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

@remmarg_yelsel

With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.

@TMZ

Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.

@RodLacroix

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

@noog

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

@erica_rosie

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@pittdave13

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

@AtticusFinch79

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it