@kunalrao
@mommajessiec
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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@mommajessiec
@ArfMeasures
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
@remmarg_yelsel
With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.
@TMZ
Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.
@RodLacroix
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
@noog
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
@erica_rosie
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
@AndrewNadeau0
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
@pittdave13
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
@AtticusFinch79
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it