Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.
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COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.
Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it