@kunalrao

It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.

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@avainwordland

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

@10kbabyspiders

I assume whenever I leave a room Oompa Loompas show up and teach everyone a valuable life lesson in song form around the mistakes I’ve made.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

@holypurgatory

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

@FeelingEuphoric

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

@SaraThomas84

If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex

@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.