It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him