@prufrockluvsong

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

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@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

@lovejulieacafe

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

@KeetPotato

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

@Pat_Bren

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.