@prufrockluvsong

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

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@Darlainky

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@leechee420

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

@iwearaonesie

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

@Senor_LongDong

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

@FrankCurtisB

When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.

@junejuly12

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.