It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
🤣😂
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Bike for sale
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.