@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

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@WhatevaConc

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

@GianDoh

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

@xLiserx

I tried living every day like it was my last but I got arrested on my second day of looting.

@sbellelauren

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

@flashember

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

@rolldiggity

Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.

@cravin4

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”