It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?


Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.


I tried living every day like it was my last but I got arrested on my second day of looting.


whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person


[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*


Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.


When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener


People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”