I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
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[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Breaking news:
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
How I’d get arrested…
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.