@KattsDogma

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

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@50FirstTates

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

@Parkerlawyer

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

@radtoria

Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.

@Freak_N_Geeky

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

@SmartassChef

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

@skittle624

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

@UncleDuke1969

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.