It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁