@badbanana
@ThanosSmiling
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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@ThanosSmiling
@FlyJ_
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
@dafloydsta
[at a bar]
ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.
FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.
SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.
@momjeansplease
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
@seriouslyamy
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
@SchooIAnswer
What is love?
@Mom_Overboard
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
@ericsshadow
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
@Jez1
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
@KalvinMacleod
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know