@badbanana

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

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@ThanosSmiling

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

@FlyJ_

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.

@momjeansplease

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

@seriouslyamy

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know