It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

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I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.


My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.


[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.


You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom


3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.


I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.


It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.


[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know