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Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.


When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.


Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL


DATE: So, tell me about your job
ME: It’s dumb & boring
ME: *starts eating date’s food* This is for asking a bad question


62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.


My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.


Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.


*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*


Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol