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@tiffinysawyers

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

@junejuly12

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

@PaperWash

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

@Home_Halfway

DATE: So, tell me about your job
ME: It’s dumb & boring
DATE: Oh
ME:
DATE:
ME: *starts eating date’s food* This is for asking a bad question

@wesjohnson8

62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@ClichedOut

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@ziamalso

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol