“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
23. the denim jacket
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen