IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself