IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me as a therapist: omg same
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly