@Oshungurl

It’s confusing for me too, but I don’t need your money so you’re going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.

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@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

@WheelTod

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

@sweatsntopknots

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

@TheHyyyype

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@QwertyJones3

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

@CulturedRuffian

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.