It’s confusing for me too, but I don’t need your money so you’re going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.

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boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles


I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.


Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me


[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in


As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.


I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones


Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.


Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.


Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.


Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.