“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.