It’s confusing for me too, but I don’t need your money so you’re going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.

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*Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared


Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels.


[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar


Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then


Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off


[portal opens]


gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary


New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”


Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?


my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted


Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did