it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
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Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
What a chick magnet..
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.