I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My typo game is string.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I’m literally crying
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?