it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
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[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party