it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom