CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
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this is how life feels
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
reminder
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.