Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
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So, I ordered a Detective Pikachu plush for my desk at work, and I have to say, this is not how I expected him to be packaged.
When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?