@zakagan

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

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@Alex_N_Chains

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

@bauerpower

So, I ordered a Detective Pikachu plush for my desk at work, and I have to say, this is not how I expected him to be packaged.

@DonQuickoats

When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman

@david8hughes

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

@imdaintyaf

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

@punmagnate

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

@OwensDamien

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@TheBoydP

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?