Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
I know everyone is focused on Valentine’s Day but can I get a moment of silence for all the pubic hair being sacrificed on the 13th.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Do her by the ocean.
Beaches love crabs.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.