@ch000ch

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

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@pittdave13

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

@markedly

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

@patnspankme

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

@Shade510

I know everyone is focused on Valentine’s Day but can I get a moment of silence for all the pubic hair being sacrificed on the 13th.

@heyitsJudeD

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

@BiscuitFloater

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

@harriweinreb

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.