it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”


[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”


*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.


I know everyone is focused on Valentine’s Day but can I get a moment of silence for all the pubic hair being sacrificed on the 13th.


Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?


I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.


my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office


Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.


I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.