it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone: