It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
S/o to @funTweeters .
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.