@caraweinberger

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

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@thejayroyal

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

@iGreenMonk

I drink too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@Jackson5toLife

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

@stevevsninjas

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

@funflaps

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.

@Steelers1972

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.