[just time traveled to the past]
them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works
me: lol no
them: can u explain literally anything
me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.
Ps. Shut it, maths police.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *
My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
*at waffle house*
“do you want bacon or sausage?”
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew