@Heldinchains

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

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@RodLacroix

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

@daemonic3

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@thedad

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

@JKNenagh

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

@dafloydsta

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

@KingsnorthAP

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?