@randypaint [just time traveled to the past]
them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works
me: lol no
them: can u explain literally anything
me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks
@Heldinchains It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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@randypaint 
@Havish_AF Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
@Book_Krazy No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
@Donnie_Fairburn “Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
@MunkMania I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
@Donna_McCoy My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
@MichaelTrying * 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
@str8upjuggahos Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
@tupacasnack *at waffle house*
“do you want bacon or sausage?”
‘YES’
@dorsalstream OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew