It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan