@Heldinchains

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

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@randypaint

[just time traveled to the past]

them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works

me: lol no

them: can u explain literally anything

me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks

@Havish_AF

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

@Book_Krazy

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

@Donnie_Fairburn

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

@MunkMania

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@MichaelTrying

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

@str8upjuggahos

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

@tupacasnack

*at waffle house*

“do you want bacon or sausage?”

‘YES’

@dorsalstream

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew