This is it. This is the best headline.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?