My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.