Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around