@Marlebean

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

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@daddydoubts

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

@DomBorrett

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

@Stabby_smurf

If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.

@Heaterhotusus

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

@Playing_Dad

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

@KylePlantEmoji

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

@_iamalik

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out