Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out