Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.