@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

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@ArfMeasures

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

@Sickayduh

What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists

@daemonic3

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

@BlindChow

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@Nickadoo

I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.

@scarletwitchwc1

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

@SortaBad

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

@Steelers1972

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

@LostFelicia

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.