@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

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@IanKarmel

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

@funflaps

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

@iAmDelFreaky

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

@SufficientCharm

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

@murrman5

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

@NoTheOtherJohn

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

@roboticcrab

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

@PaperWash

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

@TheCatWhisprer

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.