It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning