It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

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Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread


What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists


Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads


Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*


I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.


I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.


My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?


[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator


I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.


To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.