It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”