It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won


My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.


The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.


“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.


When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.


Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”


ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.


Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not