It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
You Might Also Like
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I remember when things only cost an arm.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]