It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
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You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
pat pat
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.