It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.


I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.


HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?


My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.


They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.


For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.


Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.


Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in


Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade


doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on