Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i’m with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket
Me: i’m in
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on