It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this