It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
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The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
For the ones in the back.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Air conditioning – not a fan
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Pringles
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace