Started to go to the gym this morning, couldn’t find my membership card…
A new one was $10
A donut & coffee were $3
Guess who saved $7?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you
ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.