It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

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Started to go to the gym this morning, couldn’t find my membership card…

A new one was $10

A donut & coffee were $3

Guess who saved $7?


HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?


Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”


bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul


Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor


Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room


11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.


DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money


I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.