@RobDenBleyker

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

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@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@KentWGraham

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@UncleDuke1969

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

@UpscaleHobo

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

@NightValeRadio

Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

@Rollmaninoz

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

@lurie_john

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday