It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Admin smashed it 😂
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Yes, but it was never about money
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.