It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
the saddest jazz hands ever
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.