“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Please do it!
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Breaking news:
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.