@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

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@WheelTod

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

@WheelTod

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

@WheelTod

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

@roboticcrab

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

@HousewifeOfHell

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

@AndrewChamings

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter’s school is selling apples for their band.

If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I’ll go to Whole Foods.

@Malowbar

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

@fanofhell

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people