“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.
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I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”
*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome
ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310
6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!
Me: Adults don’t get snow days.
This was the best day of my life
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
I don’t think I can make it through this week.