@TheMichaelRock

It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.

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@Michael_Erhart

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

@LoriLuvsShoes

I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

@Parkerlawyer

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

@RandallOtisTV

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

@missmayn

We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.

@ch000ch

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome

ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310

@TheMichaelRock

6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!

Me: Adults don’t get snow days.

6yo *faints*

@HomeProbably

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.