@Smooheed

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

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@Jade_VK

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

@RodLacroix

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

@onume_

Son: Dad I’m in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@Coolisiana

*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*

@hurlarious

Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate