FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Son: Dad I’m in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*
*Sees dead cat on the road.
Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.
One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.
Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate