It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Oh no
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I don’t hate children, just yours.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.